Two Like Me and You by Chad Alan Gibbs

Author:Chad Alan Gibbs
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Coming of age, WWII, fame, famous, ex-girlfriend, reality show, france, saint-lo, high school, ya, young adult, John Green, Rainbow Rowell, track, youtube, vlog, Looking for Alaska
Publisher: Borne Back Books
Published: 2019-05-19T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter Thirty-Eight

In which speculators get their speculation on, and our hero confronts an oblivious bilingual.

In a rush to be first, CNN aired our video unedited, and the anchor, his talking head contained in a small box at the bottom of the screen, visibly flinched every time Garland referred to his attorney as an asshole. You can still watch the CNN video on YouTube. It has 8.9 million views and it’s hilarious. The next sixty-three times CNN aired the video that day they bleeped out Garland’s more colorful nouns and adjectives, however his disdain for Lucian Figg was still abundantly clear.

In less than half an hour CNN assembled a roundtable of experts to speculate on every aspect of our story. Their legal expert, a balding man in suspenders, weighed in on whether Garland, Parker, or I had broken the law. “Having not been with them for the last twenty-four hours I cannot say for certain,” the legal expert said, and the host nodded. “That said, the old man’s language perhaps violated YouTube’s terms of service, and your network will certainly face FCC fines for airing it uncensored.” Next the historian, a bespectacled little old lady in a cardigan, spoke at length on the more than 60,000 US servicemen who married foreign women during and immediately following World War II. “Soldiers falling in love with women in countries they’ve conquered or liberated is not a new phenomenon,” she said, but the host had to cut her off, when for no apparent reason she began talking about Attila the Hun. Finally, the psychologist, a black man with a British accent, speculated on our individual motives. “The older man, Mr. Lenox, appears to be grappling with his own mortality. By returning to the love of his youth he’s trying to reclaim his youth.” The host began to ask a follow up question but a producer interrupted. Lucian Figg was on the line, calling to defend himself against allegations of assholery. But when the host grilled Lucian on his unsubstantiated claims of kidnapping and ransom, Garland’s attorney released a profanity-laced tirade of his own that, if not cut short by an impromptu commercial break, would have resulted in CNN receiving the sort of fine networks receive when pop stars reveal their nipples during the Super Bowl. This did little to refute Garland’s claims, and Lucian Figg, Asshole at Law memes flooded the internet minutes later.

Had a plane crashed, or a kid fallen in a gorilla cage at a zoo, or Sadie Evans walked out of a restaurant, the networks would have pushed our story to the back burner. But obviously April 16th was a slow news day, and similar roundtable conversations were happening simultaneously on Fox News and MSNBC. Half an hour later the three networks somewhat suspiciously arrived at the same narrative—this was the feel good story of the year, and perhaps the most romantic thing anyone could remember. And unless Parker and I actually did issue a ransom—and apart from Lucian Figg no one believed we would—everyone was rooting for us to find Madeleine.

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